The Pen Is Mightier

That's Not Scrums!

The best part about defining an intentionally incomplete framework with an official guide is that it's OFFICIAL! So we can say you aren't doing Scrums if it not part of the guide. But...and this is where it gets totally AWESOME...it's intentionally incomplete! So you HAVE to do stuff that's NOT in it to even have a chance of making it work!

Outputs Over Outcomes

Years of Scrums Allegiance research has shown that attempting to measure success based on actual business value or customer outcomes is...well...really hard. Therefore it has been deemed best practice to make up an indirect measure of myopic productivity using a fictitious unit. This way you can control what success is and how much you get!

Twice The Busyness With Half The Effort

When no one can align on value, it's better to just be really really really busy. Like, no less than 387% utilized. Seriously, do you want to get laid off or something? Plus, if you're triple booked almost every hour of the day people will start thinking you're super important. Promotion baby! Extra points for expecting everyone else to do the same, working after dinner, and responding to emails while on vacation.

Scrums Is Like Training Wheels

Are you seriously trying to kill a CHILD?!? You MONSTER!!! Don't you know that code craft, devops, and kanban are WAYYYY too complicated for the ickle wickle bebies on your team? Their tiny team-member brains will literally EXPLODE! Don't go confusing them. Be safe, start with Scrums.